A Trip to Crazy Land
by utsuri
Summary: What happens if Logan gets transported to Middle Earth? Just a silly fic. It's complete, but I might expand it later.


Disclaimer: This is just a sillyfic that I thought up one day, and since I don't want to pick up my other stories yet, I figured this would be a good break. Even though I'm dedicating it to my Mom, who thought it'd be hilarious, I don't own the characters. They belong to Marvel or Tolkien.

A/N: This doesn't have a particular place in the X-Men comics, since I'm not really up to date on them. I'm sort of making that up as I go along so it'll fit with what I have in mind. My apologies, but if I'm wrong with anything, please forgive me. As for the LOTR stuff, I am up to date on that, but the history… for all you hard-core by-the-book guys, I apologize in advance. Translations are at the end. The Elvish will probably hurt the ears of those more familiar with it. Both are most definitely AU. On with the story!

A Trip to Crazy Land 

Prologue

Logan was tucking his son into bed on Christmas Eve when he was begged for a story. Deciding to take the easiest route, he started off with the typical Christmas story of Rudolph when his son interrupted him.

"No!"

"No?"

"No."

Exasperated, Logan decided to try a different tactic. "Alright Lei. Why no?"

"'Cause I want that story Momma told me about. I made her promise to tell me somethin' 'bout you so I wouldn't tell you 'bout your present."

"My present, eh?"

Lei looked up at his dad and shook his head. "Nuh-uh! I'm not tellin' you!"

Logan started tickling his son until his squeals brought his wife from a nearby room. "Logan! You're supposed to be putting Lei to bed, not keeping him up!" All she needed was her stern face… and yep, instant contrition. The look on Logan's face made her want to laugh, but she needed to be serious now.

"Ah, Jubes, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to ya later, k?"

At the suggestive wink he gave her, she smiled and said, "You better. Now hurry up."

"After the story babe." Once Jubilee had left the room, Logan looked back down at his son. "Alright ya munchkin. What story?"

Lei scrunched up his face in thought, as only a four-year old could do. "Momma said you, 'took a trip to crazy land' before I was born. Tell me 'bout that one!"

Logan laughed at his son's hearty interest, doing his best to hide the groan that wanted to rumble out of his chest. This particular story would have been better left under the carpet, especially since no one believed him about it. After a soft cough, he looked at Lei and whispered very quietly, so that the boy had to strain to hear, "It all began when Gateway took me on a trip…"

I looked at Jubilee, and Jubilee looked back. This was going to be another one of those really long nights where the FOH just didn't want to quit. As usual, it was a "peaceful" rally, which soon turned into an angry mob, which brought out the X-Men. So here they were, doing their best not to kill anybody while everyone else was striving for death, or at the very least dismemberment. It took a couple hours this time around since the group was huge and good ol' Cyke was being extremely careful. By the time they were through, everyone needed a new uniform, a nice, hot bath and large amounts of sleep. It wasn't what everyone got.

Back at the mansion, I grabbed a bite to eat after taking a shower and before heading up to bed. As much as I looked forward to sleeping next to Jubilee, I knew she'd be asleep by the time I got up there, so I took my dinner outside and ate under the trees, thankful for the new moon and the quiet, which wasn't broken until one my favorite people showed up.

The typical grow filled my chest as I smelled Gateway, but nothing could be done. I stepped into the vortex as was silently bidden, hoping that I'd at least get a decent night's rest beside my beautiful fiancée.

As it turned out, I wouldn't be getting much sleep at all, or least not that night.

Lucky for me, it was quiet, and I was still in a forest. This time Gateway had decided not to confuse me too much, or so I thought at first even though I couldn't hear the typical city sounds in the distance and from the smell, knew I was near running water. Couldn't hear it yet, but I figured I might as well head for it. It's always good to have water in ya.

By the time I reached the stream, someone was following me. Whoever it was, was good. I could barely hear the footsteps, and the smell was pretty faint, but he was close, and hadn't been trailing me for too long. The poor guy probably thought he'd surprise the Wolverine while he took a drink. I would have smiled had it just been him but there were two more across the stream. I could barely make them out beside two trees, but they were there. My muscles were ready as I knelt down for a drink, and waited for the… very sharp blade of all things.

_So it's Japan then. Funny, I've never seen trees like this there…_ was all he thought before the trio's conversation brought him back to reality.

"Hi na ai?" the sword guy said.

"Ai na?" he heard from his left.

"Pedo!" was from the right.

"English!" was my response, along with a small shrug. _Nope, not Japan. That is NOT Japanese._

"Úpeda i lamber Eldareva." The guy with the sword sounded surprised.

It was then that I looked up at the faces of the men standing across from the stream, and realized that they weren't Men. These guys had pointy ears, like the little elves at the mall around Christmastime. Only, they weren't short. These were very tall, fair-haired… Elves. And I was in a forest full of very tall, very fair… well I supposed they were trees. I really hoped they were.

So then I stood up real slowly and kept my arms spread. Thought it was the best thing to do. The sword came up with me and continued to rest along his neck.

"Úna yrch," was spoken from my left.

"Yrch ospa hanil," came from behind me.

I sighed then, one of those sighs when you get real flustered. This really was too much. I had told them I didn't understand, yet they kept on speaking like I did. "ENOUGH!" My roar split through the trees, waking the birds and mice and effectively silencing the three Elves around me. I snarled a bit more just to scare 'em. "Who are ya?"

After a moment of silence and meaningful glances between his captors, the one to his right spoke. "Our apologies. Your appearance, however, startled us. Lower your sword. He is not a minion of Sauron."

As the sword was lowered, I spoke again, curious. "Who's that?" All I knew was that I wasn't in Japan… or anywhere else on Earth. I was just trying to figure out which planet and see if maybe I could call in a favor.

Apparently these guys could mask their surprise well, because I could only smell it, as well as their disdain. "He seeks dominion over these lands, human. How do you not know that?"

This is where I shrugged. Again. "Don't even know where I am. One minute, eatin' dinner outside, enjoyin' the quiet, and the next I'm here, in God knows where, with your guy followin' me. He's good I'll grant ya that."

"So you were not with the company of Men who recently passed into our borders?" his left said.

"Nope."

There was a sigh from behind him. "Haldir, we should show him the way out of our lands."

"No. The Lady would him enter."

"Take him to the talan opposite the Halflings. Rumil and I will continue hunting Orc, Orophin."

Well, confusion ran amok through my head. I just followed the guy who had the sword at my neck, apparently that was Orophin, to this tree-house. It took a while to get there, and although he tried ta get me lost, it didn't work. The woods are my home and everythin' has a voice, if yer willin' ta listen hard enough. It was sayin' that there was some pretty foul stuff that came running through here pretty recently, and some good stuff too. Apparently, these Elves were good. Didn't know if this forest liked me too much though.

So we get into this tree-house and it's huge. Any kid would be happy there, Lei, 'cept there's only one wall. There were some Elves watchin' everythin' and these two guys sleepin'. Well, I would have thought four, but one was another Elf who had his eyes open and the other was this short fat dude who was snoring so loud it actually hurt. Apparently that was the Dwarf. Orophin thought he was whisperin' to his friends, but I heard everything, even though I didn't understand a word of it. He left soon after, angry at even having to come, and then I was ignored. Completely. I could have gone berserk and all they woulda done was stare. I almost wanted to, just to see, but I didn't. Figured I'd get some shut-eye and then figure this whole thing out.

Well I woke up to a very heated discussion. Apparently, they wanted to kick me out of the Golden Wood. Pretty name for a pretty place. And when I say "they" I mean the Men. My kind. Well, only sorta my kind. The blond long-ears wanted me to meet the Lady. So I decided I'd make up their minds for 'em. "Just tie me up and I'll do what ya want."

Ah, the looks on their faces as they whirled around to see me, standing there with a smirk on my face. Of course they didn't know that I could heal… or that I had adamantium on my bones with claws that popped out from between my knuckles. Those were things that would… remain secret for the time being.

A while later, it was agreed that I would be blindfolded like the rest of the group, in addition to being bound. Not like I really needed my eyes anyways.

By the time we reached Caras Galadhon, I was more than curious. We weren't in any verse that I knew of. Shi'ar? Nobody had heard of 'em and it wasn't for my lack of askin'. It was Middle Earth where I was in and they were almost at war with Sauron or something. That was all I knew, but one of the little guys, there were four of 'em, was hidin' somethin'. Whenever this guy was mentioned, he'd get a little more frightened than the others. Heck, they all got kinda scared, but this… was dread. It takes a long time to learn to distinguish between those smells, but once ya got it, ya got it.

So after they removed my blindfold, my jaw dropped. Beautiful? Didn't do the place justice. Heaven on… Middle Earth. And of course, they all lived in trees. As we climb up the biggest one, we get an even better view. I could barely keep my mouth shut. The small guys were havin' the same problem. When we reached the top, it got even worse.

See, thing is, these Elves live with this sort o' beauty all the time, so they're used ta it. When they see everyone else starin' in wonder, it amuses them. 's what happened here. We met the Lady, who is one of the most gorgeous and wisest beings ever, and all our collective mouths hit the floor, minus the leader dude with the ring, whose name turned out ta be Aragorn. He'd been here before apparently and was also used ta this sort o' thing. Well, him and the other pointy-eared blond in the group named Legolas. Leggie fit him so much better in my opinion. Called him that just to irk him. Good times those were, minus being apart from everyone.

Anyways kiddo, this Lady was a lot like the prof. She spoke in our heads, only she wasn't a telepath. We talked later and she told me she knew of Gateway and of my journey here and that she would see me safely home as soon as possible. In nicer speech that is.

We were all there for a while. Time flew and slowed down. Actually, not too sure how long we were there. They threw some parties and had great food. I picked fights, played with swords. They have some of the best blades, but when Gateway came back I didn't have time ta grab the one the Lady gave me. Ah, I miss that sword.

Well, it was really relaxing. I swear I grew an inch, but nobody else believes me and Hank says I didn't change at all in the twelve hours I was gone. Two, three weeks, all condensed into the space of twelve hours! Not possible right? Well, with us anything is possible.

"That it, Daddy?''

"Yep, that's the gist of it Lei."

He yawned then and snuggled deeper into his covers. "Tell Santa hi for me Daddy? 'Night."

Logan kissed his son's forehead and left the room, turning off the light as he went out. He walked in to see Jubilee wearing her Mrs. Claus outfit. As all coherent thought left his head, high above him a portal was opened in the sky, with a cheery old man shouting, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" as his reindeer flew through, disappearing from sight.

_The FOH_: the Fellowship of Humanity, a group of humans who violently oppose mutants

_Hi na ai?_ Who is this?

_Ai na?_ Who art thou?

_Pedo!_ Speak!

_Úpeda i lamber Eldareva._ Thou cannot speak the language of the Elves.

Úna yrch. He is not an Orc. 

_Yrch ospa hanil._ His odor reeks of Orc.

5


End file.
